Monday Mindset
Holding the Tension of Both/Ands
It’s officially Spring, and it’s also my birthday week! So, you know, lots of hopeful feelings over here.
I hope that this meets you with so much softness today. Learning to hold the tensions of differing experiences, our feelings about them, and to be in relationship with imperfect people is a weighty business. This world may feel chaotic at times, but we don’t have to be in chaos inwardly. Here’s to learning to meet ourselves with compassionate grace over and over and over again so that we can create within ourselves a safe space to be, to grow, and to connect.
With that said, let’s look at how we can practice presence by:
Holding the Tension of Both/Ands
Life is strong and fragile. It's a paradox... It's both things, like quantum physics: It's a particle and a wave at the same time. It all exists all together.
~Joan Jett
When I lost my dad to cancer, there was so much grief. I would have given anything to have him be here longer. And yet, it was after a five-year-long battle. It was hard those last several months, knowing what he would choose to do when faced with more need for treatments. He had fought back the cancer for years, but in the end, his body had nothing left to give. While I was devastated without him, it was also a small relief not to have to watch him suffer through it anymore. The unknowns were wiped away, but so was his presence. I couldn’t fight the tension within—instead, I had to learn how to accept it—to hold the opposing realities with an open palm.
Life is full of paradoxes:
The more tightly you hold onto something, the more likely it will slip away.
The more you learn, the more you realize how little you know.
The only constant is change.
Holding the tension of the both/ands of life means recognizing that more than one thing can be true at the same time. When we learn to allow these paradoxes, we can relax our need to control the narrative and make room for the complexities of life. The more we loosen our grip, the freer we become, and the less personally we take things that never had anything to do with us.
One person’s painful situation doesn’t negate anyone else’s (and vice versa). There is room for all our experiences. While I might have a lovely day at the park with my loved ones, someone else might have one of their worst days. To personalize everything that someone expresses is to unnecessarily compete with what we hear. We can have our own experiences and also make room to validate the differing experiences of another. When we feel our defenses rising, or the need to diminish the other person (or ourselves), let’s get curious about our feelings instead of projecting them onto the other person.
The fullness of reality is never just one thing—there is complexity and nuance in most situations. Both/and thinking creates space for diverse experiences and perspectives. There is room for everyone at the table. We can free ourselves from the "shoulds" that arise when we try to persuade ourselves out of our own feelings (I could have it so much worse, so I shouldn’t feel this way.)
The tensions we feel are actually opportunities for presence, curiosity, growth, and creativity. There is an invitation to soften into reality when we acknowledge the paradoxes of life rather than resist them. Honoring the full complexity of life and what it means to be a human in this world is a powerful act of practicing presence. What we are able to be here with is how we approach the world. Slowing down and opening up in curiosity and grace can reset our perspectives.
The more we learn to embrace the both/ands of life, the more we are able to understand and empathize with others. We can bridge divides that cause conflict, make more comprehensive choices by considering multiple lenses, and explore the possibilities that lie outside of our narrow experience.
If nothing else, we can live with love and curiosity expanding within us as we allow what is here to be with us. We can live in the grief and the relief simultaneously. We can move through disappointment and still have hope. We can be worried about the future and still know peace in the place where we are in the moment. It’s possible.
Are you more prone to either/or thinking or both/and thinking?
How does it affect the way you approach others/life/yourself?
Practice seeing the multiplicities already present in your life. (If you are a parent—what are the things you love about it? What are the challenges? See…you already have a tension going on there).
When you recognize the pull to limit your feelings one way or the other, take the third option: allow what is in you to exist and resist defining yourself by any one feeling. {You are the ocean, as they say, and your feelings are waves. They will come and go, but they are not all you are.}
See how you can apply this to your relationships with others if you want to take it a step further.
Drop any questions/comments in the comment section in the Substack app or hit reply and reach me directly!
Be exceedingly gracious with yourself, friend,
Sara
Happy birthday week Sara. This is really interesting and I don’t think I’ve thought too much about this before but I can definitely see the benefits. So sorry to hear about your dad. Thank you for sharing 😊