Hello, friend!
You might be thinking, Monday Mindset—Monday who? The summer slowdown is real, and it’s caught up to me :-)
No matter the day of the week this reaches you, the intention is the same: to drop into your inbox with mindful reflections, questions, and prompts to get you connecting to your inner world.
The world is a lot right now. Like—a lot a lot. If you’re anything like me, you’re trying to find your footing amid the chaos and heartache. Whatever you’re going through at the moment, know you’re not alone in it. Maybe this is the practice, the reminder you need today—it’s certainly something I need on repeat over here. You’re not alone in the struggle, and you don’t have to sacrifice your sanity to know peace. It’s not an either/or.
This is where we practice the multiplicities — the both/ands of life. While we don’t know what will happen tomorrow, we can embrace the simple beauty of this moment as we deepen our breath and expand our awareness. We cannot control most things in life, but we can still connect. We can connect to what is true, what is alive in us, and what remains within our grasp in this present moment. Everything else can (and must be) surrendered.
Surrender, as tough as it can be to choose, can help us release what was never meant for us to hold. In that tender (read: vulnerable) release, we make space to tend to what is here in, and with, us—what is now and needs our attention, our witness, and our nurture. As we do, we discover precisely what we can do when our:
Needs Aren’t Met
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
—Henry David Thoreau
When we think of our needs being met, we might automatically go to the big physical ones: food, water, sleep, shelter, and clothing. Without these, our survival is at risk. However, as humans, we have more needs than just the physiological.
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which is one popular sociological model, there are five distinct categories of basic needs:
Credit: Hamish.croker, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
While we need our physical needs met, we also require safety, emotional support, esteem, and self-actualization. When one (or more) of those areas goes unmet, we will inevitably feel it in the tension of our bodies, minds, and hearts.
Some of these may show up obviously, and others more subtly. If you need help identifying what needs may be going unmet in you, this article can help demystify your experience. {Included are 40 signs that you might be overlooking.}
Here’s a snapshot of some signs you might be missing from verywellmind.com:
Safety Needs
You’re constantly on edge: If you don't feel safe in your environment or you’re uncertain about your future, you may find yourself constantly feeling anxious or on edge.
You have trust issues: When your sense of security is compromised, you may struggle to trust people, even those close to you, which can lead to isolation or strained relationships.
You avoid certain people or places: If certain places, people, or situations make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you may go out of your way to avoid them, even if it's inconvenient or irrational.
Emotional Needs
You’re not feeling seen: Most humans want to feel seen and heard, says Hughes. “If you’re leaving social situations and still feel lonely, misunderstood, or invalidated, it's possible your social needs went unmet during that interaction.”
You’re online a lot: If you're spending more time on social mediaor texting instead of engaging in face-to-face interactions, it could be a sign that your in-person social needs aren't being met.
You’re always lonely: You might feel disconnected or alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, which is a sign that your emotional connections aren't as deep or supportive as you need them to be.
Esteem Needs
You’re very self-critical: You may constantly criticize yourself and put yourself down. The negative self-talk can have you doubting every decision you make and action you take.
You need others’ approval: If you lack self-confidence, you may find yourself always looking for validation from others.
You fear failure: You might shy away from new opportunities or challenges because you're afraid of failure or don't believe in your own potential.
Spiritual Needs (Self-Actualization)
You’re unsure of your purpose: You might find yourself questioning the meaning of your life or feeling unsure about your purpose, which can make you feel lost and directionless.
You’re restless: You may experience a persistent feeling of inner restlessness or dissatisfaction, as if something important is missing, even if everything seems fine on the surface.
You lack inspiration: You may feel uninspired or creatively blocked, which can be extremely demotivating.
You need more than being fed and sheltered. You need connection — friendship, family, and intimacy. You need play and leisure. You need financial security. You need to experience purpose in your life. You need autonomy (you are a unique individual, and you get to make your choices).
A well-rounded life goes beyond the basics and reaches to each level. There may be times in life when we are in survival mode. There may also be times when everything’s being met across the various categories of needs.
The first step in knowing what to do when we recognize and face unmet needs is to validate them.
When we are feeling lonely, it’s a sign that our need for connection is going unmet. While we might be surrounded by people, it’s important to do a little searching to discover whether we are feeling seen, known, and accepted. Being around people might not be enough. We need deeper connection that validates our experience and sees us as we are.
While this is a powerful practice in community (it only takes one or two people who know us well to achieve this), it is also a powerful practice we can offer ourselves.
If we always wait for others to meet our needs, we miss out on the power of self-witness, self-connection, and self-regulation. Yes, belonging and community matter. But knowing we belong first and foremost to ourselves is a powerful reframe that isn’t just a mindset shift.
There are opportunities to offer yourself what you need most. Like a nurturing caregiver, identify what the needs are and what you, as your wisest self, can do to offer kind care through space, connection, or support.
Acknowledge
When you’ve identified the need, acknowledge it. Don’t quickly move to either dismiss it or fix it. Allow yourself the space to see what is there and why.
Witness
Act as a witness to your own story. Not every lack has a big backstory, but some needs may need extra attention to break cycles of neglect (even self-neglect).
Connect
What is it that you can do to help support or meet this need? Think small and actionable.
Follow through
Action is important. Don’t just make a plan, but follow through on it.
This is one way to foster connection in a mindful, compassionate way. Just because you have a need going unmet does not mean that it has to continue to. First, acknowledge what is lacking. Then, allow what that lack feels like in your body/mind/heart. Be a compassionate witness to yourself. Connect to what this feels like in a relational way and ask what would make it better? What could support or fill this need? Then, the only thing to do is follow through in the ways you are able. Hold yourself with grace and space.
So much grace. So much space. So much more than you’re accustomed to giving yourself. You deserve your time and attention, friend. I hope you’ll offer it to yourself, even as you reach out in connection to others.
Looking through the Signs You Aren't Meeting Your Needs, what resonates most for you right now?
Is there a need you didn’t realize was going unmet?
If you’ve gotten this far, you’ve already practiced self-connection. Before you dive deep and try to fix everything that seems out of place, slow down and remember that patience is important. If you feel shame around having missed these needs before, release it. Yes, really.
The practice isn’t perfection (something I’m harping on because, well, it’s a struggle to break that belief). The practice is presence.
Be exceedingly kind to yourself. And take it one step at a time. Every movement of compassionate curiosity and mindful nurture matters. Really—every. single. one.
What comes up for you today in this? For me, I’m seeing a need for more emotional connection with the people around me.
Drop a comment or respond to this email and join the conversation!