Monday Mindset
WHAT TO DO WHEN: Big Feelings Take Over
Hi Friend,
This weekend was filled with heavy news. I’m in MN, and that means it was especially crazy over here. Sending grace to you as you start this new week. I’m sure taking a big heapful myself.
As we continue with this month’s theme, this week we’re looking at what to do when
Big Feelings Take Over
“Feelings are something you have; not something you are.”
~Shannon L. Alder
As children, we learn how to regulate our emotions through the example of adults around us, as well as their ability to be present with us in those feelings. Some of us learned that outbursts were unwelcome. Others of us were left to figure out what to do with our big emotions on our own. Many of us learned to express anger, elation, frustration, sadness, and despair in the ways we saw modeled.
Even those of us who came from well-adjusted and attentive families may struggle to regulate big emotions from time to time. For those of us with more nuance to our stories, we may struggle to know whether it’s possible to change how we’ve related to moments of intense emotion up until now.
The good news is it’s never too late to try a different way. Just because we didn’t know how to regulate our emotions or nervous systems before doesn’t mean that we can’t learn to do it now.
There are tools to help us when we are emotionally flooded. Before we explore what they are, let’s uncover what it looks like to merge with our big feelings.
Emotionally, it might feel as though there is no distinction between us and the feeling. Whether it’s fear that stops us in our tracks, intense sadness that overtakes our minds, or anger that raises our heart rates quickly, it can feel all-consuming.
This kind of flooding can also manifest physically. We might experience nausea, an overwhelming urge to scream or throw something, tightness in our chest, sudden muscle tension, or a sense of detachment from our surroundings or bodies.
There are varying degrees of flooding that can happen. Our bodies can go into the fight, flight, or freeze state anytime our brains detect danger. The tricky thing about this is that a perceived threat (anything our brain believes is dangerous, including a similarity to traumatic experiences we’ve faced) can be as debilitating as physical danger. All it takes is a trigger that feels familiar enough to set this off in our systems. Someone with PTSD might experience this on a debilitating level.
It doesn’t take us suffering acute trauma to be conditioned in our responses, though (or for our brains to detect danger). Anyone can feel overwhelmed by their emotions.
According to Courtney Collins, when your brain perceives danger, you may experience the following symptoms:
Cognitive:
Inability to ‘think straight’
Difficulty controlling tone of voice/language used
Flooding of thoughts
Excessive worrying
Physical:
Rapid heart rate
Dilated pupils
Goosebumps
Sweating
Shakiness
Crying
Headache
Our bodies and minds aren’t trying to harm us when they react strongly. They are trying to protect us.
The sooner we recognize this, the more compassionate and connected we can be with ourselves. The way to free ourselves from the intensity is to acknowledge it. The wholehearted way to do this is to stay in the present, with ourselves, almost as if we were tending to a friend or child.
With that in mind, here are various tools to help you emotionally regulate when you’re feeling flooded (depending on what the emotion is, you might choose different tools at different times):
Name what you’re feeling
I am feeling scared, angry, overwhelmed, etc.
Let it out (in a safe way)
If you’re angry and want to scream, go into your car and let it out, or scream into a pillow at home
Write it all out in your journal - no one ever needs to see it
Cry it out (in your car, in the bathroom, basically anywhere you can get alone)
Talk it out with someone who is able to listen without judgment or trying to fix it
Recognize this is a moment in time, and it will pass
Nervous System/Emotional Regulation practices:
Take big, deep breaths
You can also try box breathing (breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, breathe out for four counts)
Take a long breath, counting on the inhale, and make your exhale a beat or two longer
Move your body
Exercise that raises your heart rate can help with the energy you feel in your body that needs a release (a run can be a great release of pent-up energy)
Sometimes you just need to hit something - find a safe way to do this (a punching bag, a mattress or pillow)
Soothe your body
Place a hand on your chest, give yourself a hug, or place a hand where you feel tension
Reassure yourself that you are safe in this moment
Take a warm bath or shower
Put on soft music, or get yourself somewhere quiet
Grounding Techniques:
Cold water therapy
Splash cold water on your face, run it over your wrists, or take a cold shower
The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste
Put your feet directly on the ground and feel what’s beneath you
Bare feet on grass or dirt
Or, if you are inside in a chair, put both feet on the ground, close your eyes and imagine that you have roots going down toward the center of the earth. You are tethered to the earth
Meditate or Pray
Prayer and meditation both lead us to surrender what we’re feeling to something outside of ourselves. It can be an unburdening that grounds us in the power of the present.
When was the last time you felt completely flooded (overwhelmed) by an emotion?
How did you get through it?
The way we change our reactions is by preparing and practicing new patterns. Make a plan for what you can do (based on the tools provided) for the next time you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed by a big feeling.
Use the last time you felt flooded as a starting point. Consider, without shame for how you felt or reacted last time, what options might have helped you regulate your emotions better and normalize what you were feeling in the moment.
Unlearning old ways is a part of adopting new ones. Please know, no matter what, that emotions are not your enemy. They are there to give you information and to help you. Be excessively kind to yourself as you build new paths of connection and support within your system.